Health

An Average Day In My Life With BPD

6:00am: I wake up still tired. It makes no sense as I went to sleep at 9pm. That’s a full nine hours sleep but I still end up tired. Maybe it’s the meds, maybe it’s the depression.

6:15am: Breakfast time. I wake up starving as my meds increase my appetite.

6:30am: It’s time for my meds. I take 60mg of Fluoxetine and 20mg of Aripiprozole. I get my prescription ever Thursday and Simon stores my meds in a safe that I have no access to. This is so that I don’t take them all at once.

7:00am: After watching tv for half an hour, it’s time to get leave for the gym.

7:10am: Get on the bus and head to the gym.

7:30am: Finally arrive at the gym. I will probably have fallen asleep on the bus even though the journey was only about 10 minutes plus a 10 minute walk.

7:40am: Start working out. Exercise helps me lose weight but it definitely gives me too much thinking time. I think about life and how I’m getting nowhere. Also, everyone is staring at me, or are they?! Maybe they want me dead.

9:30am: Leave the gym after a shower and head home on the bus. Probably fell asleep again.

10:30am: Have lunch. I realise this is early but we eat early to avoid having tea late. I will explain why in a bit.

11:00am: Head to town on foot. It’s much better than getting the bus. Less people. Town is usually quiet at this time so I don’t mind being out.

3:30pm: Just arrived home from town and it’s time for tea. I am a bad cook so we have to open the windows to let the smoke out. We early early so that it’s before it gets dark so no one can shove anything horrible through the windows as we live in a not very nice area.

4:00pm: Time for getting some blogging work done. This is where I feel more comfortable; using my laptop and talking to my internet friends.

6:00pm: Time for a snack as I’m still hungry. A bowl of cereal and four pieces of toast will do.

6:05pm: Already finished eating.

6:10pm: Watch cartoons and do more blogging.

9:00pm: Head to bed feeling exhausted. Cry myself to sleep.

Health

The #100DaysOfFitness Challenge: 25 Days Later

I embarked on a journey. A journey of fitness to be exact.

They say that it takes 21 days to create a new habit but I don’t think that’s the case for me. Personally, I struggle to stick to things so I need to really reinforce my new habits.

That is why I started the #100DaysOfFitness challenge!

If you’ve been following me online for a while, you’ll know that I’m trying to lose some weight. Last year, I lost three stone which just isn’t enough for me. I wish I lost more and thinking about it now, I could have been at my goal already if I’d just worked harder.

But that’s all in the past now. All I can do now is work harder and keep going.

So, how did my first 25 days of the challenge go?

Day 1

I went to the gym. I did some tummy exercises and a lot of cardio. I think cardio is my favourite type of workout. Oh, and I walked over 13,000 steps which isn’t the best but I’ll take it.

Day 2

I skipped the gym to walk around the shops with Simon. I did reach my daily step goal though so I’m happy and content. I also did 10 minutes of yoga which I haven’t done in months!

Day 3

I walked to town and back instead of having a lazy Sunday like I usually do. It’s about a 40 minute round trip. I didn’t quite hit my daily step goal but I was close.

Day 4

I went to the gym and DEMOLISHED a programme that was designed by Simon. I’ve never sweated so much at the gym before! Oh, and I did 15,000 steps to make up for the lazy day the day before. I did some yoga before bed!

Day 5

I absolutely killed my workout at the gym. Finished up super sweaty but it was all worth it. Also, I demolished my daily step goal..

Day 6

It snowed so I couldn’t walk outside much because I’m super clumsy. It meant that I didn’t reached my daily step goal. I did do some beginner’s yoga though!

Day 7

I walked 13,000 steps. That’s the only fitness thing that I did.

Day 8

I went to the gym even though I really didn’t want to. I had tummy pain all day but still managed to do over 15,000 steps..

Day 9

I only just hit my daily step goal. I didn’t go to the gym but I did do some stretches in the evening.

Day 10

I did a lot of walking. 21,000 steps to be exact. That is definitely more than I usually do on a Sunday. I did take some measurements though so I can compare my results to the end of the 100 days.

Day 11

I had the ultimate lazy day. No exercise was done at all.

Day 12

I went to the gym and mostly did stretches and yoga as my back hurt. I also walked 24,800 steps!

Day 13

It was another snow day so I stayed in. I did some stretches though as I keep getting aches in my legs.

Day 14

Another day of snow (it was turning into ice) so we walked to town and walked around a little (very slowly). I did record some weight loss goals for my YouTube channel though. You can check that out here.

Day 15

I walked 26,200 steps. I was super tired and slept well that night!

Day 16

I reached my step goal by walking 21,600 steps. We only walked so much because we went shopping.

Day 17

Only walked 7,800 steps but that’s okay because not all days can be great!

Day 18

I went to the gym on my own and although my anxiety was high, I enjoyed myself in the end. I will go on my own more often from now on.

Day 19

I went to the gym. Didn’t do much because my back was still sore but I did do some stretches. I created a fitness Instagram account though.

Day 20

I went to the gym again. Still had a sore back so just stretches for me.

Day 21

I had a morning doctors appointment so couldn’t make it to the gym. The doctor said I have asthma (again) which could be why I’m getting back pain.

Day 22

I did a heck of a lot of walking. I did two days worth of steps. I didn’t make it to the gym though.

Day 23

Once again, there was no gym but I did reach my daily step going by doing 15,100 steps.

Day 24

I felt ill so I didn’t reach my step goal nor did I go to the gym.

Day 25

Once again, there was no gym but I did reach my daily step goal which is good.

So, I started off doing really well but then it went downhill. Hopefully the next 25 days will be better!

Health · Lifestyle

Calling Bull On The Body Positivity Movement

If you spend any time on social media, you will know that a big thing at the moment is body positivity. People are being told to love themselves no matter what size they are.

I know that the body positivity movement comes from a good place but can we please stop spreading this damaging rhetoric? I know that it’s mean to be ‘positive’ hence the name but it’s not positive.

Self-love in VERY important. I get that!

But, what I’m really sick of is people using the body positivity movement to promote obesity and fatness.

I’m sick of the “all bodies are beautiful, accept people for who they are” bullshit. This only promotes diabetes and laziness.

I get that not all people are in the position where they can head to the gym and some people can’t afford to have fruit and veg with every meal. But… somehow these people can afford takeaways most nights and all that expensive junk food.

Being overweight isn’t healthy. So please, can we just stop saying how big is beautiful. Big is dangerous.

I used to believe that as long as I loved myself then it’s all okay but it’s not okay because I should love myself enough to want the best for my body!

That is why I’m fighting and pushing myself to lose the weight. I don’t want to die young, I want to live a happy, healthy life and you should love yourself enough to want to as well…

Health

A Post On Not Working Due To Poor Health

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about things recently until I got pretty sad and upset. So I thought to myself, why not write a blog post expressing how I feel?!

Since leaving school and college, I have had a few jobs. I worked in the cinema, a gaming shop and in a hotel. I even volunteered in a few charity shops. However, I haven’t been able to keep any of my jobs or volunteering experiences.

If you know me then you should know that I struggle with mental health issues. These problems developed at around age sixteen when I was leaving high school and heading to college. I didn’t quite manage to complete a college course because of these mental health issues.

As I mentioned, I have had plenty of jobs but I never managed to keep any. I was fired from one and quit the other two.

That’s when I discovered that working just wasn’t for me. Not for being lazy or anything but trust me, I tried to work, just because of my health.

Not being able to work makes me feel like such a failure. I feel like I can’t do anything right if I can’t even keep a job like ‘normal’ people. There’s many opportunities that arise when you work. You can learn new skills, work in a team, build your confidence and you can feel a sense of fulfilment from working. Sadly, I don’t get to experience those things.

It makes me sad that I’m missing out on these opportunities and often this makes my mental health even worse. I feel as though it’s a vicious circle.

I have career dreams and goals and I want to live my dream life. When I think about the future and how that might never happen because mentally, I’m just not strong enough to work, I feel deflated. I want to be doing more with my life than what I’m currently doing. I want to help in some sort of way and to me, getting a job feels like the only way that I can do that.

When you can’t work, people tend to assume that you’re being lazy which isn’t always the case. Sure, I’m a lazy bum but that doesn’t mean that I want to be sitting around doing nothing while you work your arse off doing a 9-5 job. I want to be there too!

Not being able to work makes me feel like I’m wasting my knowledge and everything that I worked for when I took my exams in school. I feel I should be doing more but I just can’t.

You know when you’re scrolling through social media and you see all those people that are dreading Monday morning because it means that they go back to work. Well, I want to be in that position. I want to wake up every morning and feel a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

People judge those who can’t work. They say things like ‘wow, you’re so lucky’ and ‘I wish I didn’t have to work’. It makes me feel so angry. It’s like, yeah, I’m super lucky that I can crippling anxiety when I leave the house. Lucky me! It’s not like I have a choice. I’m just not capable of working at the moment.

I look forward to the future. I hope that one day, I will be able to get a job. Even if it is just working in a supermarket or something. One day I will be strong enough to work and not have to worry about people judging me for ‘sitting around’.

Do you work at the moment? If you have mental health issues, what’s the hardest part about working for you?