I woke up this morning and instantly wish I hadn’t. It wasn’t because I wished I had died or something, it was simply just because I couldn’t be bothered existing. I didn’t feel like putting on a front to talk to people and I couldn’t be bothered to pretend to feel good about myself.
Recently, I watched a film called I Am Pretty on Netflix. It wasn’t the best film in the world but it sort of had me thinking a bit. The main character never felt good enough and then suddenly, her mindset changed and she felt like she was super amazing. It completely changed her way of life just because her mindset had changed. In the end, she discovers that she is perfect the way she was, blah blah blah.
I really do wish that it was just as easy as a mindset change to make yourself feel good enough but I don’t think that it is. It takes a lot more to realise your own self worth.
I’m not the type of girl who has a toned body, glossy hair or perfect skin. In fact, I’m actually the opposite. I’m overweight, my hair is definitely in need of some work and my skin in covered in scars and acne. Even though I’m not classed as perfect, I never used to let that impact my confidence.
As a child, we are willing to chat to people without them worrying that they are judging us. However, over the years, our confidence sort of dies and we end up feeling like we just aren’t good enough. What made us change though? Maybe it was all in our heads or maybe it’s to do with factors that we just can’t control. I don’t even know.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll push people away when you don’t good good enough. You think you’re doing what’s best for them but are we really? I used to think that people were my friend out of pity. I figured that they didn’t actually like me, they just felt sorry for me and wanted to seem kind.
It’s kind of weird to look back on that now. I’m now in a situation where I don’t have any real life friends because I’m getting too good at pushing people away. The only person who I do have is my partner and half the time, I think he is with me for pity too. It’s an awful feeling!
When I woke up this morning, I pretended to still be asleep until my partner left so that I didn’t have to talk to him. He didn’t do anything wrong at all, I just didn’t feel good enough to be with him. I felt like he deserved better. I’ve pushed him away so many times in the past and I’ve made his life incredibly hard. But, he is still with me.
That is what I need to keep in my mind. I need to remember that the people who care, are still here. We have been together for over four years and he hasn’t gone anywhere. Sometimes my mind tricks me into thinking that is is pity or maybe that he has some other hidden reason to be with me. However, I need to remember one thing. No one sticks around for four years just from pity.
It’s so hard to get that into my mind but I’m going to keep trying. Maybe I am good enough for my partner. Maybe I am good enough for other people too. I think I just need to start giving people a chance.
What is ‘enough’ anyway? Maybe everyone feels like this and we are all just faking confidence to try to get by? I don’t know what happens in other’s people’s minds and I hardly even know what’s happening in mine.